How to Reclaim Your Truth After Narcissist Abuse
Updated: Feb 28, 2021
You’ve been with someone you think is the love of your life for many years. Internally, you question whether or not you can trust him, and you continually struggle with your doubts. Deep down inside your soul, you know he/she is not being honest with you, or they are not fully committed to you. In the beginning, you weren’t afraid to bring up the inconsistencies, but it never helped. You were called crazy, insecure, or your partner even flipped it around on you and accused you of being dishonest. This happens the first few times, but after that, the programming has done its job. You no longer question his lies, toxic behavior, or infidelity. So, outwardly, you still act as though nothing as changed. He (or she) is still your dream guy, and you couldn’t be happier. It’s happened. He’s won. Not only does he believe his own lies by then, but he’s convinced you of them as well. And then, you start to feel like you are part of his con to hurt yourself.
I didn’t realize this until at least a year after we’d broken up. It was a normal day, and I was driving home from work. Then, it suddenly hit me. In the abusive relationship I had escaped, I’d become my strongest enemy because I went along with everything. I worshiped him through his own delusion of grandeur. No longer was I speaking with my thoughts or emotions, but I was repeating what his ego programmed me to repeat. As an intelligent woman who had finally gained her freedom, why didn’t I see this?
Because I came into the relationship with my own fucked up ideas of what it meant to be loved; that’s why. I needed him desperately to be the person he pretended to be, so if he wasn’t really that person, where had I been for the past two years?
I adopted his lies because I wanted him to be an impossibly perfect vision of Prince Charming, except with a few scars and a small side of suffering. Even now, five years later, I still long to meet the guy I fell in love with. It still doesn’t completely register with me that we both lived the lie with open arms.
How do you swallow your pride and move on from the chaos?
Stop blaming yourself. If you have to repeat it a million times, do not stop until you believe it: it’s not my fault, it’s not my fault, it’s not my fault, it’s not my fault, it’s not my fault, it’s not my fault, it’s not my …
Recognize your memories as superficial because that’s all they are — superficial bullshit. They began first by touching you on the outside and feeding you that fire that penetrated your soul. Before you knew it, that same fire was burning your insides down to ashes, even though you couldn’t see it. You don’t need to see it to believe it. To him, that memory doesn’t exist anymore, but when you haven’t healed, it’s all you can dream about. Remind yourself that dream was always a nightmare designed to torture you.
Remind yourself of what really happened. The lies, the pain, the betrayal, the cheating, the manipulation, and all the other toxic behaviors. They all happened, and they damaged every cell in your body. Biology tells us that some cells take longer than seven years to regenerate, but that’s only the physical damage. Emotionally, you may feel your abuser’s hold on you the rest of your life. Of course, it will diminish more and more with time, but you’ll still always be reminded of what your partner did to you.
Start doing things you used to love. There is no better way to reclaim who you used to be than to be that person. Now that you’re trying to heal, use those things as ways to move past the pain. Allow them to creep into your life and revive you. If you find that you can no longer connect to your old self, try something new that will help you work through those demons.
Repeat after me: his lies are not my lies. Even though it may not always feel like it, it’s the truth. You weren’t lying when you allowed the con to deceive you. You were merely that — deceived. That deception hurt you so bad that you sometimes forget what the truth was. If you need to write it down, do that. Always have hope that there is a path back to an authentic you. If you keep choosing to ignore it, you continue to be a victim.
And please—for me—remember one last thing: